


Of Broken Things - And Angel Wings

by Jazz_2_chess



Series: Try, try again! [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Dean Winchester Deserves to be Happy, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fallen Angel Castiel (Supernatural), First Time Bottoming, Fluff and Smut, Guilt, Human Castiel (Supernatural), John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 09:07:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17619542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazz_2_chess/pseuds/Jazz_2_chess
Summary: After telling Dean he loves him, Castiel finds the bed empty.





	1. Of Broken Things...

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last part of the 'Try, try again' series.

_Cas leaned over and whispered a soft “I love you, Dean Winchester” against his lips. Cas eyes fluttered close, he smiled contentedly and put his arms tightly around him. Dean lay on his back, his heart in his stomach and his breathing still laboured. It didn’t take long for Cas to fall asleep. When he woke up, he noticed a distinct lack of warmth around him. Dean was gone…_

 

The cold air of the night hit Dean in the face. He took a steadying breath, then walked briskly towards the Impala. Once inside, he felt a surge of grounding familiarity run through him. Before thinking twice about it, he drove to one of the bars he had frequented when Cas had been dead.

Nobody looked at him when he entered, the guy behind the bar already pouring him a beer when he sat down. He wasn’t proud at being back here but he needed a drink, damn it. Sometime after the first two beers, he ordered shots, a lot of them. His promise to Chuck about cutting off the drinking, he had thrown out of the window. The music, for once wasn’t all too crappy but Dean couldn’t even find it in himself to appreciate it.

After what had to have been his tenth shot of something or other, his brain finally started to feel fuzzy. The fog of the alcohol seemed to dampen everything to a point where he was almost numb. Dean knew of the dangers of getting this drunk when he was alone, knew he was an easy target but he kept drinking. He sent out a prayer asking for a break from this lifestyle just for tonight, a night where he could just sit here and drink himself into oblivion without being kidnapped by a monster because he was inebriated.

Just this one night.

Cas’ voice in that soft tone came back to him. But it wasn’t really Cas. It was a projection of Cas, spitting those words out in a cruel echo, taunting him, laughing at his inability to truly hear them. He ordered again, ignored the concerned look of the bartender.

After the shot, Cas’ face turned into Lisa’s, into Mary’s, into John’s, into Sam’s. And all of them kept saying variations of the same damn thing.

 

You don’t deserve love, Dean.

You are unlovable, Dean.

You are worth nothing, Dean.

You don’t deserve anything, Dean.

You are just a brainless soldier, Dean.

 

He drowned another whiskey, felt his head spin and his stomach turn but for a second, it was quiet. The voices had stopped. It only lasted a second before there were bodies; on the ground: John, on the ceiling: Mary, on the bed: Sam, on the grass: Cas. They were even worse than the voices. All of those people he hadn’t saved, couldn’t save, all of those people that were now dead because he hadn’t been good enough.

Guilt so strong it nearly robbed his breath, shot through him, making his hands tremble around the glass. Crowley falling to the ground, Cas dropping to his knees. Bile rose in his throat. He stumbled to the bathroom, relieved when he found it empty. Sam with a stab wound, Jessica on the ceiling.

His stomach rebelled. Hunched over the toilet he tried to get a grip on himself. Henriksen, Nancy, Meg, Ronald. Every face of every person he couldn’t save appeared behind his closed eyelids. A sharp pain in his chest made him hiss, curl further in on himself. The tears he had managed to hold back dropped down his face as if a barrier had broken. He pressed the heel of his palm against his mouth, trying to stop those horrible wailing sounds he was making but it was of no use.

A sudden knock snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Are you alright in there?” a male voice asked and Dean wanted to crawl into a hole and die at the humiliation.

Chuck, he was such a mess. “Yeah, had too much to drink.” he managed and was thankful the person behind the door seemed to buy it.

But he wasn’t alright.

No, new images were steadily flooding his mind. Now there were images of hell, of his vision through black eyes, of the mark on his arm, of that itch just beneath the skin to kill everything in his way and make it hurt. On a normal day, he would tell himself to stop thinking about the things he had done, the things he couldn’t change, but today, he didn’t have the strength to block the flow.

That tang from hell, the taste of blood had marked him more than Cain ever could. And sometimes, like that morning at the gas station, those memories of bloodshed came back full force, the temptation to hurt so real he needed to remind himself to step away from it before it was too late. He couldn’t stop it, Cas’ face suddenly looked down at him with that particular head-tilt.

No, no, no, he couldn’t think about Cas now. Not after what he had said, after what he had let Dean do to him. He should never have agreed to doing that, or to being with Cas in any sort of relationship at all. Fuck, how was he supposed to make Cas understand that he was bad news? Cas couldn’t lo-

His mind came to a screeching halt before he could even think about the word that had been hanging in the air since he had left that bedroom.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas was frantically running up and down the bunker, one second away from calling Sam. He only refrained from consulting the younger Winchester because

a) he was sure this situation fell under the do-not-discuss-rules Sam had set at the beginning of their relationship and 

b) he did not want to worry Sam if there was any other option. But the fact remained: Dean was gone.

And it seemed as if it had been their exploration that had led to his disappearance. Cas was thoroughly tempted to curse. He should have never accepted Dean’s request to proceed in their physical relationship this early on, ever. He should have known his hunter better, should have put his foot down. But he hadn’t and now Dean was Heaven knows where, probably- presumably drinking and thoroughly unsafe. Cas was under no illusion that Dean would be a target under the influence of this much alcohol, so he needed to find him and bring him home.

And he needed to do so fast.

He already had his keys in hand when the door hit him in the face. While rubbing his nose and checking for damage, he recognised the figure leaning heavily onto one side in the doorway.

“Dean.” Cas was on his feet faster than he would have thought himself capable of and took a step towards the precarious looking hunter.

“Dean, are you alright?” he asked, immediately alert when Dean’s eyes wouldn’t focus on him.

“C-casss…” Dean slurred and Cas was shocked at the level of alcohol it would take to have such an impact on Dean, a man who had- until not too long ago- been quite used to drinking on a regular basis. It pained Cas to see his hunter like this, especially since he couldn’t “mojo” his hangover or inebriation away anymore. Dean would have a horrible awaking the next morning, provided Cas could prevent him from choking on his own vomit in his sleep. He wouldn’t have been able to sleep tonight anyway.

“Dean, I need you to tell me how much you had to drink.” Cas said, putting as much authority as he could muster into his voice. The usual squaring of shoulders at an order didn’t happen and Cas was thoroughly concerned.

“Dean. Tell me how much you had to drink!” Cas repeated, this time a little louder, a little firmer. Still, the words didn’t have the desired effect. Dean just kept staring at nothing with glassy eyes. Cas huffed and then grabbed Dean’s arm to pull him inside and onto the couch.

“Whasss goin’ on?” Dean mumbled, seemingly not even aware that he had made it home- which, as far as Cas was concerned, had only happened by some miracle.

“How much did you drink, Dean?” Cas snapped at him, annoyed at Dean’s refusal to answer.

Dean held up all ten fingers then stared at them as if confused and asked “leven, e-l-ev’n?” he smiled at Cas, obviously proud at having managed an answer. Cas rolled his eyes and tried to pay no mind to the sickening feeling in his stomach at the prospect of Dean having drunk even more than that.

“Ah- don’ worr- wo-rry Cas, isss all gone.” he patted his belly and Cas immediately understood what the gesture was supposed to mean. He hoped, Dean was telling the truth but having no grace in him to check, he needed to take Dean’s word for it.

“You should go to bed, Dean.” He made a move to help Dean stand up, but found his efforts rebuffed.

“N-n…” Dean shook his head frantically, then grabbed Cas and pulled him down beside him.

“Sssit!” he said, clearly challenged by the ‘s’.

“Dean, you should sleep-“ Cas was silenced by a calloused finger pressed against his lips.

“Lis’n.” Dean said and Cas obediently shut his mouth. His hunter was obviously trying to tell him something important.

“I’ve been thinkin’, Cas-“ he started and Cas was impressed by his ability to control his tongue in that moment of seriousness.

“Wha’ yo-u ssaid- ‘bou’ me-“ he pointed at himself then stopped to stare at his finger.

“What about you, Dean?” Cas asked and saw Dean snap back to the conversation at hand.

“Me! I- yo-u lo-“ but before he could even finish the word, he jumped up and ran to the sink with a slight wobble to his legs. Cas felt relieved when Dean returned to him, seemingly more sober and without having needed his assistance after vomiting.

“I don’- Cas, you don’ _please_ …” Dean’s mood shifted quickly to absolute sadness and Cas could barely watch it happen. He still did not understand how his words could have made Dean sad. In his opinion, those words usually sparked happiness and not an emotional shut-down. Cas should have known, however, that Dean would react differently to hearing those words.

“No ssay- don’ say tha’ Cas…” Dean trailed off again but stared at Cas as if he had been clear in his statement.

“You do not want me to say those words to you?” Cas concluded, a pit of unease in his stomach. If Dean did not want him to say those words, maybe that meant he did not desire a relationship either.

“N-n…” Dean admitted. Cas breathed in to steady his hammering heart. If Dean truly realised, he had only platonic feeling for him, then he would try his best to sever their romantic connection. Even though it would hurt him more than he wanted to think about.

“Can’t-“ Dean stuttered. Cas couldn’t make any sense of his mumbled words and prepared to stand up to accompany Dean to his room.

“No!” Dean yelled suddenly and once again made Cas sit down beside him.

“You- I need this to talk to you. Sssay thisss to you?” he asked when he realised that his former sentence hadn’t been coherent.

“The grass, you know Cas? I can’t sss-eee- see you on there…” he explained and Cas sincerely considered praying for a translation at this point.

“When you- when Lu-luccifer killed you.” Dean stated. Ah, finally there was something to make sense of.

“I am truly sorry you had to experience this, Dean. However, I am alive and well. There is no need to-“

“No, you don’ get- I don’ see- can’t see you there an’more.” Dean sounded like a petulant child. And if it weren’t such a serious situation, Cas would have felt the need to suppress a giggle.

“I am here, Dean. There is no grass around and Lucifer is dead. So, I do not understand why you felt the need to consume an entire bar.” he added, aiming for a lighter mood and simultaneously letting Dean know his way of coping would not be tolerated. Dean’s face twisted in pain and he recoiled form Cas’ touch.

“I am sorry, Dean. I did not mean to remind you-“

but Dean was already back beside Cas and said with a finality in his voice that had Cas’ insides clench “You don’ love me!”

Cas opened his mouth to protest but Dean shut him off.

“You don’ lo-ove me, Cas. Not love me. I know-“ he patted Cas’ shoulder as if to console him, then continued “’m not worth- you can’t love me.” he crossed his arms in front of him and stared holes into Cas’ head.

“Why not, Dean? Why do you not think that I love you?” Cas asked quietly.

“Becausssse.” Dean answered without elaborating as if he was insinuating that the reason was self-explanatory.

“Because what, Dean?”

 _“’cause ‘m not lovable!”_ Dean nearly yelled, then clamped his mouth shut, eyes going wide when he realised what he had just said.

Sadness that resembled the death of a loved one, settled deeply inside Cas’ stomach. There was no doubt in his mind that Dean truly felt that way, that his hunter truly did not see how much he was worth to so many people. It pained the angel on a level that was beyond a romantic relationship. He felt for his friend, who never had seen his own life worth anything, who had given his soul for his brother without thinking twice because that was the only thing he possessed that held any value in his mind. And now, Cas had seen how deeply Dean’s self-hatred truly reached, how much his friend thought himself to be a monster and unlovable.

Suddenly, the expression of a heart breaking felt all too real to Castiel.

“Dean! Dean- please look at me.” Cas grabbed Dean’s chin to stop the fidgeting.

“I want you to listen to me carefully.” Dean nodded, eyes big as saucers.

“I know you do not want to, but you need to hear it this time.” Dean held onto Cas’ arms as if they were his lifeline.

“I love you, Dean Winchester and-“ Dean struggled free and ran out of the room. Cas caught up fairly quickly considering Dean still didn't have his usual motor control skills and slammed Dean against the wall.

“Listen to me!” Cas bellowed and this time, the order worked. All fight left Dean’s body and he slumped against the angel.

“I know of your insecurities, I have seen your soul- your bare soul- in hell, I have seen you at your worst moments and still, there is nothing you could do, to make me stop loving you.” Dean whimpered, bit his lip so hard it started bleeding.

“And I know it will take time for you to realise that you are worth every bit of my love for you-“

“Cas… st-” Dean pleaded.

“No, Dean. Listen to me. I need you to understand that my feelings for you are real and you are allowed to feel loved.” Dean shook his head, adamant to protest.

“Why is it that you still do not believe me? After everything I have done for you. Was it not enough, Dean? Did I not do enough, to show you how deeply I am in love with you?” Cas reached the end of his wits. There was nothing more he could do to make Dean understand. If he truly did not believe Cas was in love with him, then the chances of him ever getting there were barely above zero.

“Cas- I- I kn-now you’ve done all that crap b-but…” Dean stuttered.

“Do you think I am lying to you, Dean?” Cas asked, aware that Dean did not accuse him of lying but rather couldn’t fathom how Cas could tell the truth but he hoped to snap Dean back out of whatever spiral he was in right now. Dean’s head shot up so fast he nearly knocked his nose into Cas’.

“No, no- Cas- ‘c-course not- I jusss'…”

“Then tell me why you refuse to believe that I love you? Because I do love you, Dean, so much.” Cas pleaded, once again close to tears.

“Hey- hey, Cas- look, I-“ Dean scrambled for words to soothe the obvious pain on Cas’ face. The alcohol in his system still made his world blurry but hurting Cas made him sober up rather quickly. He needed a minute to sort through the chaos in his brain but when he did, he decided to go all in. Cas deserved the truth.

“C-can we- Cas I need t-to s-sit down…” he whispered, ashamed to ask.

“Of course, Dean. My apologies, I did not-“ Dean stopped him before he could launch into another series of apologies Dean didn’t want to hear. Once on the couch, Dean turned away from Cas, unable to look the man in the eye then took a deep breath.

“Lis’n, you have to- to be patient- I don’- I never really talk…” Dean started but trailed off when even admitting to his inability to talk made him want to run for the hills. When silence stretched, Cas reached out to place a hand on Dean’s shoulder, hand fitting perfectly into the handprint Dean still felt like it was yesterday. The touch sent surges of comfort through Dean and he threw himself into them head first.

“I don’- when Dad- when we grew up things weren’t supposed to- I wasn’t supposed to be- be that- like that…” Dean said, the memories of his father’s speeches, of his snide remarks still so close to the surface.

“’m not gay- ya’ know? I just- sometimes I like…” he gestured at himself then at Cas. “And when you came along, I thought- ‘cause you were that holy dick with wings- and then not- and you fell ‘cause of me…” he turned to Cas at this point, needing to make sure it was Cas he was talking to, not somebody else because there was nobody else he trusted enough to admit this to.

“I know you don’- that I don’ deserve-“

“You do deserve it, Dean.” Cas chimed in, unable to just sit there and let his hunter think he wasn’t allowed to be loved.

“No, Cas- I don’- you don’ know what I’ve done- ‘m not- I’m not good-“ he stared at the floor, not wanting to see Cas’ disappointment when he admitted to his worst flaws.

“I liked it- you know? Down there. Not the- not the idea but the actual t-torture- I liked it, Cas- I liked it a lot…” tears pooled in his eyes, shame burned in his gut.

“I’ll never forgive myself for that but it happened- I know you saw me- I- I know you got me out but sometimes I just think maybe you shouldn’t have- maybe I belong-“

“No. No, Dean I will not have you speak of yourself like that. You do not and you _never_ have belonged in hell. I need you to understand that.” Cas spoke with determination and confidence.

“Cas- I- don’t you get it? You didn’t save me ‘cause I shouldn’t be there but ‘cause you needed me- remember?” Dean said, a subtle tremble in his voice that made Cas’ heart clench.

“We would never have raised you if you weren’t worthy, Dean.” Dean didn’t seem to hear him.

“But it broke the seal- _I_ broke the seal ‘cause what I did was so bad it- it set Lucifer walking…” Dean shook his head as if to shake off any memories of his time in the pit.

“I did- what I did- Cas, there’s no s-salvation, no forgiveness for that-“ Cas surged forward, captured Dean’s hands in his and held tightly even when Dean tried to struggle free.

“Dean, I know what you did, I saw you do it when I was on my way to get you. Do not think I am oblivious to your dark side. I love it just as much as-“

“No!” Dean barked and sprang off the couch, almost falling over because he still didn’t have full control over his limbs.

“No! Cas, you’re an angel- a freaking Angel of th’ Lord- you shouldn’t- you can’t-“

“I am not an angel anymore. I fell, Dean. I fell for you because I think you are worthy-“

 _“I am not worthy!”_ Dean yelled so loudly Cas imagined it must have woken up the entire neighbourhood.

“I am not! Don’t you- _stop saying that_!” Dean clutched himself, pressed his hands against his eyes.

Softer, he whispered “Please- _please stop_ \- I can’t…” Dean gulped for air as if strangled by an unseen force. Cas was on him in an instant, arms locking around his hunter, holding him against his chest.

“Dean- Dean, I apologise, I did not intend to make you upset-“

“It’s fine, Cas- I- I just don’…” Dean shrugged again, his breath becoming more regular.

“It is not fine, Dean. And it is not supposed to be fine. You are allowed to feel-“

“How? How ‘m I allowed to? After all I’ve done? To you- I even did it to you- so how can you say- how can you lo-“

“Do not question my love for you, Dean. I must insist you trust me on that. I do love you because I have seen you become the man you are, in spite of all that was done to you.” Dean shook his head frantically.

“You were posed an impossible choice, Dean- over and over you were given impossible tasks and yet you have remained the pure soul I have raised from hell. You are not tainted- you are simply-“ Dean’s lips smashed so hard against his, he tasted blood.

“’m sorry, Cas- I…” Cas shushed him softly and pulled Dean against him.

“You have nothing to apologise for, Dean.” Dean whimpered, then kissed Cas again. It felt as if he put everything he had into it.

“I c-can’t say it, Cas- you know I- but you mean- I lo-“ Cas stopped him before he could struggle against the word threatening to spill over.

“No, Dean. You are not ready. I do not wish for you to say these words out of guilt and the need to please or reassure me. I do not need to hear them now.” Dean felt a blinding surge of relief flood through him.

“You’re not mad? You won’t…” but he didn’t dare say, didn’t dare admit to this deepest fear of his.

“I will not leave you again, Dean. There is nothing that will make me ever leave you.” Cas said.

And this time, Dean believed him. Close to tears, he captured Cas’ lips in another kiss.

This one was softer, less as if his life depended on it.

 

* * *

 

 

It took Dean a minute to find his ground after all the emotional baggage he had just lifted from his shoulders. When he felt the couch against his back he giggled. Cas stared at him with that owlish head-tilt and asked, looking baffled.

“Is there something funny, Dean?” he didn’t sound angry, merely curious.

“No- I just thought I should tell you now- you know, before sober-Dean takes over.” the alcohol wasn’t that prominent anymore but just enough remained to make him brave- to make him want to try for full disclosure. To hell with it, he'd be honest. Not like Cas'd run from that when he sat through all of Dean's other bullshit. 

“Tell me…” Cas seemed guarded all of a sudden. “Tell me what?”

Dean hated seeing him so tentative as if another heart-break was right around the corner.

“Nothing bad, Cas- promise- just, see there’s this thing that I- that I want and-“ Cas’ whole demeanour changed suddenly, he looked interested, almost eager as if he could, for some weird reason, gauge where Dean was going. _Well, here goes_.  

“We- we uh talked ‘bout- you know, stuff before we uh hit the sheets last time- remember?” Cas nodded and yep that was definitely an eager angel.

“I think- I’d like- I think I want t-to try-“ Dean admitted, face burning. Cas’ smile was brighter than the goddamn light-bulbs.

“I would very much like that, Dean.” Cas reminded Dean of the cat that ate the canary. Huh, that was a good look on him- kinda scary but hot.

“May I ask the reason for this sudden ‘change of heart’?” Cas asked. Dean nearly toppled over with laughter, the mood suddenly a few shades lighter after Cas once again did those stupid air-quotes. Dean had to admit a small part of him was proud at Cas for using the expression correctly.

Cas coughed twice before Dean realised he had asked him a question. _Okay_. Dean took a deep breath. _Here we go_. 

“I always- I like not- not being in charge- so if you wanna do a bit of that shebang you’ve got going on- let’s just say I’d be on board.” he gave Cas the thumbs up and felt instantly stupid. Cas however, seemed to still figure out what he had been told.

“So, if I interpret this correctly-“ He paused shortly “you want me to take charge while we are being intimate?” Cas summed up and Dean’s ears burned. He didn’t even have it in him to remind Cas to say _fucking_ instead of _intimate_.

“Yeah, kinda- you know- just to t-try…?” Dean was suddenly not sure he had made the right move in telling Cas. This felt like a damn inspection and he didn’t-

“Dean, what would you like for me to do?”

 _For fuck's sake and all that was holy._ How was he supposed to answer that? Dude should know by now how much Dean liked being manhandled, he didn't know he'd have to spell it out for the clueless angel. But if Cas didn’t know?

“Cas- I- you know how when you uh throw me against- against the wall or something? I kinda- I’m sorta’ into that.” he rushed to say it, face turned away. He barely had time to think about the wisdom in his decision to tell Cas and for the shame at liking that to come through, when he found his back pressed against the couch with so much force it knocked the air right out of him. Before he could gather his bearings, his arms were full of angel.

Cas’ teeth grazed his neck, then bit hard. His hips shot off the couch and drove into Cas- his body being faster to react than his mind. When his brain caught up with what was happening, he pressed a steadying hand to Cas’ chest, then looked up at him already slightly breathless.

“Easy there, buddy, no need to get overexcited!”

“Did I do it wrong?” Cas asked, changing to innocent angel in a heart-beat. Dean seriously considered if he was hallucinating but since Cas was still seated very much directly on his crotch he figured, the last minute had really happened.

“No- you- you didn’t do it wrong. Just wasn’t prepared.” Cas smiled happily then moved in as if to continue.

“Cas- I- as much as I like where this ‘s going- I just uhm ‘m not exactly sober…” Dean saw the moment the words registered. Cas was up so fast, he nearly threw over the coffee-table.

“Dean, I am sorry. I did not mean to violate your-“

“Cas- it’s fine. I liked it- it’s just- I wanna remember that in the morning and chances are I won’t- so maybe it’s better to- you know- do it when I’m all in?” He hated to stop, he really did. With the angel so close and finally giving him what he craved so deeply- but he needed to do this the right way.

“Of course, Dean. I would gladly wait until you are sober.” Cas said.

“’kay. I uh- maybe I should go to bed-“ Dean proposed, slightly unsure on what to do now. Cas nodded, then accompanied him up the stairs, which took a few tries since Dean was still wobbly on his legs- if from the alcohol or the conversation he wasn’t sure.

“Night, Cas- see ya’ in the morning.” he yawned, suddenly unbelievably tired.

“Good night, Dean.” Cas answered with a soft smile, then turned in for the night. Dean went to bed, the room thankfully not spinning as much as he anticipated and lay down on his back. He promised himself to remember in the morning that Cas loved him, that Cas won’t leave. Sleep came like a welcomed friend and lulled him into a dreamless slumber.

 

_Dean woke up to no memories of last night, whatsoever._


	2. ... And Angel Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you read the tags before reading.

 

Dean woke up to the worst hangover in hangover history. His head not only throbbed but burst into blinding pain at every move. He cursed himself for drinking that much, then shot up from the bed- nearly throwing up in the process- to find, he had passed out in his own bed without remembering how the seven levels of hell he had gotten there. Snippets of last night came back but they stopped when he had been hunched over a toilet. Somewhere in his brain there was a dull ache he couldn’t quite place- as if he had forgotten something important. He figured it couldn’t be that serious, otherwise he would surely remember, no?

“Dean? You awake? It’s nearly lunch.” Sam’s voice resonated through the door. Dean managed an answer, then fell back against the pillow.

Bad move.

His head soared in pain.

Crap.

He really shouldn’t have drunk that much.

But then, the reason why he was in that condition came back to him with the force of an incoming train. He made it to the sink barely in time. After the worst was over, he dared to step out of his room. Cas was nowhere in sight and Dean was thankful for small favours. There was no way he would talk to the angel in this condition.

Sam was preparing what looked like the Winchester-cure to hangovers and Dean dug in with the desperation of a starving man. His brother watched silently but with a look on his face that told Dean he disapproved.

 _“Can it, Sam.”_ he barked, shoved the chair away and stomped to his room when Sam tried to ask him about yesterday. Just as he reached the stairs, a memory of Cas saying three little words came back to him. He had to hold onto the railing to avoid falling over.

Another memory, also of Cas, this time in the living area, against the wall, reappeared out of nowhere. The bar, the shots and shots of alcohol, the discussion with Cas, the things he admitted to, all that was back with a clarity he wished he could dull.

The front door opened and Cas stepped inside the bunker, two bags of groceries in hand. Dean froze solid, like a deer in headlights, but Cas didn’t even acknowledge his presence. Instead, he continued his walk towards the kitchen where Dean heard him rummage around. For a moment, Dean felt utterly left alone. Maybe Cas didn’t want anything to do with him anymore after last night. And he couldn’t fault him for it. The things he had admitted to were horrible, some embarrassing and inappropriate or flat out weird as fuck. He breathed in to clamp down the upcoming feeling of having to puke and forced himself to stop this train of thought.

Just in that moment, Cas reappeared, steps careful and in no hurry.

“Dean?” Dean was already retreating, so far at least ten steps remained between himself and the angel.

“There is no need to leave, Dean. I will not bother you.” Cas offered, hands placed in a gesture he recognised as placating. Dean reached the top of the stairs, ready to run to his room but Cas’ words rang in his ears.

So, Cas hadn’t stopped caring, he simply had wanted to give him space. He let that thought calm him down for a second but the more he turned it around in his head, the deeper he fell into another spiral of self-consciousness and memories of Cas saying all those things. All those things he simply couldn’t hear. He wasn’t ready to face these demons.

_Not now._

 

 

* * *

 

 

The shower was incredible. Hot streams of water dropped down his back and the hangover finally relented a bit. Sam’s breakfast had helped too but he still had smelled like a bar and felt tacky all over. While under the spray, he thought back to the snippets of last night. He remembered talking to Cas, admitting things he hadn’t even dared think about by himself. Fuck. Why did he drink that much again? He should have known it would make him blab all this private stuff to the angel. Cas must be disgusted by him, by what he said he wanted him to do. He wasn’t supposed to want what he had admitted to wanting.

And now Cas knew.

He knew, Dean liked being held down, liked pleasing people and the thrill that came by submitting.

What was he supposed to do?

He shouldn’t have said those things. Cas would ask him questions, would think it sick of him to want that. Dean couldn’t talk about that.

He got out of the shower stall, suddenly more cramped up then he was before, and made it to his room without being stopped. Once inside, he threw his shoes against the wall to release some of the tension in his body. He’d just deny it. If Cas even talked to him after what he said. Maybe, Cas was so disgusted, he’d never talk to him again.

Whatever, nobody had been there with them, he could just say he had been stupidly drunk- no way he’d admit to any of that. No, he’d just tell him, he hadn’t known what he was doing. Yep. Everything would be fine.

A knock on the door had him flinch. Thankfully, it was just Sam bringing dinner and sporting a bitchface when Dean very much slammed the door in his face after accepting the food and spotting Cas in the hallway. He yelled his thanks through and heard Sam retreat.

The anticipated knock from Cas did not come.

 

* * *

 

 

_Sam had come back to the bunker to silence. It had made his skin crawl and his hand itch towards the knife in his pocket. However, when Cas’ ruffled hair poked out from the living area, he breathed a sigh of relief._

_“Hey, Cas-“ he stopped mid-sentence when he saw the dark purple circles under Cas’ eyes._

_“Did something happen? I thought you guys were good?” he asked tentatively._

_“I am not sure of how much to reveal to you, Sam.” Cas said and Sam cursed inwardly. Whatever had happened, it would include things he didn’t want to know. Looking at Cas and his utter exhaustion, the decision was easy._

_“Come on, tell me.” Sam barely refrained from rolling his eyes when Cas recapitulated the last hours, Dean’s freak-out and the resolution of conflict. When Cas told him about Dean’s state, he wanted to slap his brother- he really did._

_“I was not pleased either, Sam. And I am thankful he made it home without any injuries- even if I still do not know how this was possible.” Cas sighed and Sam saw how heavy this weighed on the angel._

_“Did you guys talk it out then?” He asked, anxious of the answer and curious all the same._

_“Yes, your brother was astoundingly honest.” Cas said, a crooked smile appearing on his lips._

_“Huh, didn’t think Dean to be the type to pour out his heart.” Sam huffed. Maybe Dean wasn’t as fucked up as Sam thought him to be._

_“It took some time to get him to confess to these things, Sam. I think your brother’s issues run far deeper than we initially suspected.” Cas said, concern in his voice. Sam’s heart clenched at the words. He knew Dean was emotionally constipated but hearing it confirmed by Cas was on another level._

_“You think he’ll be fine? Not now, obviously, but maybe-“ He left the sentence hanging, unable to continue._

_“Someday, I hope your brother will believe us when we tell him how much he means to us. I believe, he will need a lot of time and encouraging- we have to be patient with him- your brother is not used to feeling-“ Cas stopped himself, his face flushing suspiciously. While Sam knew that their feelings for Dean were not the same, they did have something in common._

_“He isn’t used to being loved.” Sam concluded. Cas looked at him with a guarded expression._

_“Cas, buddy- it’s fine- you’re like the best thing that’s ever happened to him- to us- you’re right for him. And he knows that too- he just doesn’t know how to tell you.” Sam said and put a reassuring hand on Cas’ shoulder. The angel smiled at him then nodded._

_“Thank you, Sam.”_

_“Hey, I know he’s gonna come down with a bitch of a hangover but make sure to talk to him. He’s always grumpy when he wakes up after drinking- and from the way you look I’m guessing he drank quite a bit- so maybe, be there for him? Even if he doesn't- if he doesn't seem like he wants it.” It was fascinating to Sam how a simple sentence could make Cas look so different. His former lax posture and tired eyes snapped to alert, his shoulders squared._

_“I will, Sam.” the angel promised, then excused himself from the room. Cas had watched Dean whenever he got a chance, for the whole day. He figured, Dean did not remember everything that had happened last night- if he even remembered anything at all._

 

* * *

 

 

Sighing to himself, he climbed the stairs and walked towards Dean’s room. Sam shoved a plate into Dean’s hands and that’s when Dean’s gaze lifted and stuck on Cas’. Before he could even react, the door was slammed shut. He tried to stave off the hurt in his chest and closed the door to his own room softly.

Something had to be done.

If Dean wasn’t willing to talk to him, then he would have to ‘take charge’ as Dean had so eloquently put it. He had long ago suspected for Dean to have a need to please, a need to be taken care of. Hearing it from his hunter, had reassured Castiel greatly. With that information in his head, he stepped outside and knocked on Dean’s door. The gruff answer was expected but not sufficient to make Cas leave.

“Go ‘way Cas!” Dean yelled through the door but Cas didn’t move an inch. Instead, he knocked again, mildly irritated when Dean still didn’t open.

“Fuck’s sake Cas- leave me alone!”

Cas heard the tremble in Dean’s voice and said instead “I heard you Dean- last night, when you came to me to express-“ the door opened with a swift motion and suddenly, Cas was faced with one visibly upset Dean.

“We’re not doing this, Cas!” Dean spat at him.

Cas only stared back at him in that owlish way of his, then leaned forward to state“I heard what you said, Dean.”

Dean’s face flushed a dark shade of red at the words.

“No, Cas you don’t- what I said- I was drunk… I don’t even remember-“ A slow smile spread on Cas’ face.

“I heard you, Dean.” He said again.

“Yeah, I got that- what I’m tryin’a say is-“

“No. _I heard you_ , Dean.” And suddenly, he got what Cas was saying.

“Oh.” he murmured, head low and cheeks hot. Bits and pieces of his drunken antics came back to him and he wanted the floor to swallow him whole. He ducked his head, unable to look at Cas while he recalled just what he had told him about his wants, his needs, his everything.

 _Chuck_ , this was a new level of humiliation.

“Do not hide from me, Dean. I understand.” soft fingers lifted his chin up until he was eye to eye with the ex-angel. The urge to run was more prominent than ever before. But before he could, Cas uttered the same words he had last time.

“I love you, Dean.” Dean’s first instinct was to turn away, to not let Cas see what these words still did to him, how much they affected him but he was once again stopped by Cas’ hand on his shoulder. “I love you.” he said again, so sure- so determined to make Dean understand. To show Dean that this was real and it was happening and he meant it, that those words were true and he was allowed to believe them. Somehow, he had a feeling of dèjá-vu, as if he had had that conversation before. It occurred to him then, that maybe he didn’t remember everything of the past night and that there were some things he had forgotten. Dean opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He even struggled to formulate the words in his mind. But he needed to say them. Cas deserved to hear them.

“I- Cas, I…” _Dear God,_ he couldn’t. He wanted to, so desperately, but he could not say it.

Cas’ smile was gentle but held a sadness that Dean didn’t understand until Cas said “I will not force you to say it, Dean. I still have hope you will someday, when you are ready but if that day never comes, be sure I will still remain by your side as your best friend. I will never leave you, Dean.”

Once again, Dean felt as if he had heard these words before, like an echo. He was almost sure that Cas had said something similar last night. It took Dean all about five seconds to fall into motion after he saw Cas walk away to his own room, presumably to give Dean time or whatever.

“Cas! Cas- wait!” he sprinted after him, caught his lapels before he could turn the next corner.

“I- you can’t- don’t think I don’t…” he breathed in shakily.

“I can’t- but I do- Cas, you have to- you have to know I do.” And he did.

He truly did.

But he couldn’t say it, because saying those words, made them so much more dangerous than keeping them to himself. For a man who had seen everything he cared about burned whenever he touched something remotely good, admitting to these feelings, that were the very definition of trouble, was impossible. Because Cas meant more to him than he had ever deemed possible, he needed to protect him from everyone that would use this thing between them against him. He was still busy trying to find his words that he didn’t even realise Cas was leaning in until there was a warm tingly breath on his lips. Dean kissed back with so much need, it nearly startled the angel.

This wasn’t like any of their previous kisses. Dean felt like he was drowning and in desperate need of air. And Cas was that air.

“Cas- I…” he rasped, hands fisted in Cas’ trench coat.

“Yes, Dean?” Cas had moved away from him now, giving him space.

“Cas… I want- can you…?” He remembered his father saying the vilest things about how a man was supposed to be, how he was supposed to love and all of it was back now. Even though he couldn’t shake the thoughts completely, he really wanted to try.

“Cas.” Dean said as if his name alone contained everything he wasn’t saying out loud.

“Dean. I need you to tell me what it is you desire.” Dean stared at the floor.

“I-I want y-you.” he whispered. He felt Cas’ looking at him in that curious manner of his, where he was trying to figure him out. Then, suddenly there was a chaste kiss on his lips and Cas leaned in to say

“Very well, Dean.” his knees nearly buckled when Cas’ low voice rumbled through him.

“Uh- I…” but once again words failed him. Before he could back out for good though, Cas’ hand closed around his wrist and pulled him in the direction of Dean’s bedroom. Once there, Cas was on him the second the door closed behind them. Before he knew what was happening,

Dean’s thighs hit the bed and he fell down onto it, pulling Cas with him in the process. Dean’s hands caught the lapels of the trench coat Cas had decided to war now and then- because “It holds sentimental value, Dean”- and nearly ripped it from Cas’ shoulders like he had wanted to do for so long. Before he could make quick work of Cas’ shirt, he was stopped by a strong pair of hands on his arms.

“Patience, Dean. There is no need to hurry.” He wanted to protest, wanted to yell at Cas to get the hell on with it because he wasn’t sure he could handle slow and gentle right now but knew it would be in vain anyway. The angel wouldn’t be rushed, not by him and not by anyone else in existence. His patience was one thing Dean always had admired about the angel. Even if it drove him nuts right now.

Meanwhile, Cas had stripped him of his sweater, then the black shirt underneath. Dean couldn’t help but shiver at the sudden sensation of cool air against his overheated body. Before Dean could reciprocate, Cas had shrugged out of his dress shirt and tie and was now chest to chest with him.

“W-why didn’t you let me do this? I like undressing you.” Dean said, once again stunned by the lean muscle in front of him.

“I appreciate your honesty, Dean but I would very much like to focus on you tonight.” Cas’ smirk shot waves of pleasure down south.

“Oh, ‘kay.” he grinned sheepishly. The prospect of being devoured by Cas had him tingling all over.

“May I remove your pants?” Dean couldn’t help grinning like an idiot at the question. Cas was always so adorably polite.

“Sure, go for it, angel.” he said, breath stuttering when he felt Cas reach down to unbuckle his jeans. Cas’ nimble fingers undid his belt quickly and soon skimmed over exposed skin, a hungry gleam in his eyes. When he reached his inner thighs Dean couldn’t suppress a subtle tremble anymore. Cas pulled his boxers down and let Dean’s erection spring free. Desire shone in Cas’ eyes when he leaned down to take Dean’s dick in his mouth.

“C-cas!” He scrambled for something to hold onto, found the blanket and sunk his hands in. Cas tutted and reached for Dean’s hands to put them in his hair.

“Are you certain this is what you desire?” Cas asked and this time Dean felt the weight of what he was about to commit to on his shoulders. With the voice of his father still in his ear, he sat up, unsure and still so very much appealed by the idea of having Cas inside him.

“You do not have to do this to prove anything to me, Dean. I am content with what we have already done, I enjoyed it greatly.” Cas said softly, using those same words from so many nights ago where their roles had been reversed. He kept stroking Dean’s thigh and looked up at him with so much unspoken love that Dean found himself momentarily speechless.

“I-I want- I want this.” he said, sounding still not sure but Cas thankfully didn’t comment on it.

“If you want to stop at any point, please do not hesitate to say so, Dean.” Cas looked as if he doubted Dean would do it. And frankly, Dean wasn’t too sure either. He always had had a knack for powering through something, no matter how much it had hurt. Cas stared at him as if he knew damn well about every little doubt swirling around in Dean’s head.

“’m not a fucking princess, Cas.” Dean huffed. He hated feeling like this, he wasn’t weak.

“I would never think you weak for wanting to stop something you do not enjoy.” the angel replied, seemingly pulling the thoughts from Dean’s brain.

“Can you just get on with it.” Dean said, impatience and nerves already thick on his tongue. Cas stared at him as if to reassure himself that Dean was on board with it, then resumed his former position between the other’s legs. Dean had barely time to gather his bearings before Cas’ mouth was on him again, engulfing him in a tight heat. Cas’ tongue flicked out to swirl around the head, his hand stroking up and down in a steady motion. After the discussion from before, it took Dean a minute to get back in the game but when Cas scraped his teeth slightly against the shaft, his arousal shot from _almost there_ to _holy mother of God, now please_ in the span of a second.

Cas noticed the change in body language and Dean could see the smirk from his position propped against the pillow. He wanted to comment on it but his remark was stuck in his throat when Cas swallowed him down until his nose pressed into his lower belly.

“S-son of a…” Dean moaned, bucking up against Cas so hard, he nearly choked the angel.

He- _fuck_ \- he needed to come.

Cas didn’t relent the pace he had set and alternated between softly licking just underneath the crown and wrapping those sinfully plump lips around Dean’s aching cock. Just when Dean was about to lose his mind, he felt Cas other hand shift from his thigh upward. At the first brush of a finger against his entrance, he nearly shot off the bed if it weren’t for Cas holding him down. Again, the finger put pressure on his rim, only lingering to get him used to the feeling.

“Uh, C-Ca-as.” Dean stuttered, simultaneously trying to get closer to and away from the strange sensation. His face burned.

“Calm down, Dean. I will not hurt you.” Cas rasped, voice thoroughly fucked and Dean liked the sound of that, liked knowing it was because of him. Once again there was the pad of a finger tracing his entrance and this time, Dean was prepared. Still, he couldn’t compare it to anything he ever experienced. The idea of it alone, had him blush seven shades of red, something that Cas commented on by a soft snicker. Meanwhile, Cas resumed sucking Dean down as far as he could. Dean heard the telling flick of a cap being opened and instantly tensed.

“Dean.” Cas said. Dean forced himself to relax back against the bed, focusing on Cas’ mouth. This time, the finger didn’t simply linger, there was a press and then Dean felt it breach him. He immediately sucked in a breath of air, all muscles locking tight.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit._

He couldn’t do this, God, he couldn’t do this!

Panic, utter panic lit up every nerve in his body, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move-

“Cas! I- I…” he cried out, garbled up and frantically searching for anything of the angel he could reach.

Cas recognised the signals immediately and was careful not to move his hand when he leaned down to put sweet kisses on Dean’s stomach, shushing him. Dean’s fingers held onto the locks of Cas’ hair he had gripped tightly, the familiar feeling somewhat calming. He needed a minute to calm down before Cas moved the finger slowly in and out, only ever an inch but Dean felt it nonetheless. The sensation of movement _in there_ had Dean shivering, with panic or pleasure- he didn’t know. He wasn’t supposed to like this, to find it as alluring as he did. And he really did like it. Which was part of his problem.

“How does it feel, Dean?” Cas asked and Dean hadn’t noticed until now how truly wrecked Cas sounded.

“I-I d-don’t… Cas- I…” he couldn’t answer that.

“Words, Dean. If you do not feel comfortable I would like to know.” Cas said, concern apparent in his voice. Dean shook his head, concentrated on breathing as to stop hyperventilating. He _wanted_ to do this. His dad had nothing to with it and he wasn’t about to let him have a say in this anymore. He had come this far and would not back out of it just because he wasn’t used to having something inside him.

 _Fuck’s sake,_ he’d been to heaven, hell, purgatory- you name it- and Dean Winchester would not chicken out on having a finger up his ass.

“Dean.” Cas said again, stopping his movement altogether which had Dean whimper softly. He wanted-

“Dean, please. I need you to tell me.” It was Cas’ pleading tone that had Dean gather up his courage to answer.

“I- I like- Cas, I want…” he hated himself for sounding so breathless, so weak.

“I understand.” This time, there was no concern in Cas’ voice, instead Dean couldn’t help but think he saw an almost deviant glimmer in Cas’ eyes. All of a sudden, a second finger pressed inside him, alongside the first one. “Cas!” Dean nearly screamed, gripping Cas’ arm tightly. It didn’t hurt he was just surprised by the intrusion.

“Deep breaths, Dean. You can handle it.” He breathed in, then out, then in again. Cas made sure he was okay before moving his fingers again. Dean started to enjoy the feel of press and retreat when Cas brushed something inside him that had his back arching off the bed and white-hot pleasure shoot straight to his dick.

“C-Cas- what…?” Dean breathed confused and a bit scared but Cas only smirked down at him and _holy fuck_ did that look make his bones shake with need. Like a man on a mission, Cas bent over to linger above Dean’s face, staring at him with that grin still in place and then he pressed his fingers in again.

“CAS!” Dean yelled. Cas didn’t retreat his fingers, kept jabbing that spot inside him over and over again.

“Uh- C-c-as.” Dean refused to admit to whining until his dying days.

“Yes, Dean?” Cas answered, sounding for all the world like an innocent little angel with a halo and a harp- Dean nearly snorted, as if the smug bastard wasn’t two fingers deep inside Dean’s ass.

“Is there something you wish to say?”

 _Oh God,_ Cas was so hot when he talked like that.

Dean shook his head, determined not to give in. He wondered, shortly, when this had become a battle for dominance but couldn’t bring himself to be upset by the dynamic. It felt good to have Cas above him, calling the shots. For once, Dean could give himself up, without having to withhold anything, knowing Cas would never judge him. Still, he wasn’t about to confess how much he liked having Cas’ fingers there. He was _not._

“F-f-uh-uck!” Dean moaned louder than he would have felt comfortable with were it anyone else. That had felt so damn good. Another jab at- what he supposed was- his prostate and Dean lifted his hips off the bed to press himself against Cas’ fingers, wanting more of that blinding pleasure that had just the right edge of pain to it. The angel in question though, denied him every friction by moving away so that only the tips of his fingers remained inside Dean.

“Cas, come on!” Dean demanded, his cock straining and already drooling pre-come onto himself.

“No, Dean.” Cas said, a stern tone in his voice. Dean arched his back, suddenly incredibly close to coming. His dick pulsed, his balls drew up. It only lasted a second but he had to grip the base of his dick, to stave off his orgasm.

 _“Son of a Bitch!”_ He pressed out through gritted teeth when he came down against the bed once more.

“Cas- I- I need to- God! I’m so close.” Cas smiled that devilish smile again and removed his fingers from Dean’s body altogether.

“I think we should take a break here.” he said.

“No, no- please Cas! I- you…” Dean wanted to come. _God_ , did he want to come.

“Cas, come on!” he grabbed for the angel but Cas only leaned down to kiss him chastely on the lips.

“Why now, Dean, did you want to say something?” Cas inquired, feigning innocence. Dean wanted to flat out refuse to tell him, wanted to put up a fight but something in the way Cas handled him also made him want to submit on a very deep level. Looked like Cas knew how to push all his buttons.

“Cas- I, you know I-“ He couldn’t say it.

“Be honest, Dean. And I will reward you.” Dean shivered at the words, hot pleasure soaring inside him. Who knew Cas could be like this?

And while Dean liked to be in charge when it came to women, with Cas he had the urge to just lie there and take whatever Cas was willing to give to him. He had kinda hoped that Cas had listened when he had admitted to that but never in his wildest dreams- and they had indeed been pretty wild, Dean knew his kinks- had he imagined the angel to fall into this dominant role so easily.

“I- I want you to…” Dean stammered. He ducked his head, unable to look at Cas while he said it.

 _“Iwantyoutofuckme.”_ he whispered, feeling his cheeks flush.

“Very good, Dean.” Cas cooed. The words had Dean breathing in sharply, his pelvis moving on its own. The thought of being good made him tremble with pleasure.

“Ungh… Cas!” he whined, unashamedly rubbing against Cas.

“None of that now, Dean.” Cas chastised. He put his fingers back alongside each other, adding a third when he sensed Dean to be ready.

“I will ask one last time. Are you certain this is what you wish to happen?”

“Mhmh.” Dean nodded, excitement clearly visible in his body language.

“Everything you wish, Dean.” Cas said, then leaned forward to put Dean’s legs over his shoulders. He lined up and pressed in slowly but steadily. Dean’s hands gripped Cas’ shoulders tightly, knuckles going white and without doubt leaving a mark quite similar to the hand still visible on his own arm. He liked the idea of marking Cas up like he had done to him so many years ago. It took some time before Cas was finally fully inside, his balls pressing against Dean’s butt.

“G-god, I- f-fuck…” Dean breathed in shakily. It was an odd kind of pressure, being so full. Cas positioned himself on the bed, knees spreading slightly, then bottomed out and drove into Dean with more force than before. He managed to hit Dean’s sweet spot with nearly each thrust. Not even five minutes in, Dean felt his balls tighten and he instinctively tried to press his legs together to ease some of the tension. Since Cas was seated between them, it was of no use.

“Cas! Cas- I…” Cas stopped moving all of a sudden to look down at Dean.

“What is it, Dean? Am I hurting you?” Dean snorted out a laugh at that.

“No, just- ya’ know, felt a little too good.” He hid his face against Cas’ shoulder to avoid looking at him.

“Please do not hide your face from me. You are beautiful, Dean. I want to watch you enjoying this.” Dean rolled his eyes at Cas but didn’t protest otherwise.

“Yeah, guess it’s kinda…” he gestured towards their joined bodies without explaining further.

“You are allowed to find pleasure in this, Dean.” Cas murmured before kissing Dean again. The words had more of an effect than Cas probably realised, hitting Dean hard in the gut. He focused on that warm feeling in his chest that seemed to turn into fire when he saw how truly dishevelled Cas looked. The angel’s lips wandered downwards to Dean’s neck and he lightly blew on it before sinking his teeth in. Dean spasmed around him, already closer to coming than he would have liked.

“Cas- you- if you d-don’t st-stop, this’ll be o-over much t-oo soon.” He heard Cas chuckle against his throat. When Cas repositioned himself, he leaned back against his heels to literally pull Dean on his cock. Dean nearly blew his load right then and there. Cas manipulated his body around as he pleased and for some reason it got Dean off like nothing else. He was so close to the edge but couldn’t quite get there. Even though the pressure on his prostate sent razor sharp jolts of pleasure to his dick, he needed something more. He moved his hands to grab his aching dick but found it slammed against the mattress by one growling Castiel.

“Cas- what?” he looked up at him confused and oh so very aroused.

“You will not touch yourself, Dean.” Cas rumbled, his grip tightening on Dean’s wrist as if to drive his point home.

“Wh- Cas- I’m so close- I-“ Cas shook his head, sat up and resumed his assault on Dean’s prostate.

“C-cas!” Dean whimpered, fighting against Cas’ grip.

“No, Dean.” Dean wailed when hearing that firm answer, his cock oozing more pre-come.

“I n-need-“ Cas thrust in harder, making Dean’s eyes roll back.

“I am well aware of what you need, Dean.” Cas said, slightly breathless. Dean saw a sheen of sweat break out on his angel’s perfect body. He writhed on the sheets, desperate for friction, something, anything to catapult him over that edge.

“Cas- I…” he trailed off when Cas pressed in to the hilt and stopped there, staring down at Dean.

“I want you to ask for it, Dean. Ask nicely and I will reward you.” Dean gulped, the need to be good burning in his veins.

“Can I- m-may I come?” he mumbled, embarrassed at having to ask. The humiliation made him want to curl in on himself but for also felt incredibly hot. He loved having someone else in charge for once.

“I think you can do better than that, Dean.” Cas tutted, moving slightly back and forth as if to keep Dean as much on edge as he could, without having him topple over.

“C-c-as…” Dean clutched the edge of the pillow beneath his hands, bucked up against Cas’ hips.

“Beg, Dean.” Cas whispered. A surge of blinding lust rushed through Dean at the words.

He didn’t beg.

Dean Winchester did _not_ beg.

But he needed it, needed to come so badly.

“P-please, Cas?” he muttered. Cas nodded as if satisfied then leaned back to thrust in so hard, Dean saw stars.

“Shit, _yesss!_ ” Dean keened, climbing closer and closer, heat coiling in his belly.

“Beg me, Dean.” Cas hissed, obviously just as close to coming.

“Please- please Cas, make me come!” Dean yelled.

“Wait one more moment, Dean. Just a little longer.” Dean sobbed, eyes welling up, he writhed on the sheets, head thrashing from side to side. It hurt- but it hurt so fucking good.

“Cas! Please!” he wailed and saw something snap in those blue eyes. Cas’ grip was tight enough to bruise, his teeth clenched.

“Come for me, Dean.” he rasped and then closed his hand around Dean’s cock. Dean’s whole body locked tight, his back arched off the bed. He nearly yelled himself hoarse, when finally, the blinding bliss of his orgasm rushed through him.

 _“Cas!”_ he screamed, hands clutching at the angel. It seemed to last forever, he didn’t even register that Cas was coming too, burying himself deep inside Dean.

When he came to, Cas had already slipped out and had gotten the towel from the night stand to rub Dean clean.

The angel murmured a soft “It is alright, you are alright, Dean.” against his heated skin. He twitched when Cas touched his oversensitive dick with the fabric.

“Cas, t-that was-“ but he couldn’t really find the words to describe what had just happened. His whole body seemed to shake with the aftermath.

“I think so too, Dean. You were truly exquisite.” how Cas could smile that sweetly after making Dean beg for an orgasm was beyond him. They lay in silence after that and Dean had time to contemplate everything. He wasn’t ready to admit to his apparent preference for bottoming but the truth was, he had never in his life come that hard. Just when he was about to say so, Cas got up to put his clothes on.

“Where’re you going?” Dean asked, suddenly feeling uneasy. One of his days he was going to get whiplash from these sudden emotional mood-swings. Here he thought everything was fine and then Cas acted like they didn’t just have mind-blowing sex.

“I will go to my room now.” Cas said. Dean scrambled out of bed too, still naked and aching all over, not to mention confused as hell and slightly hurt. What had he done wrong this time? After offering parts of himself he hadn’t even dared to name just a week ago and being left afterwards seemed as if fate was cruelly playing him. Yeah, in the past he had been the one to leave before the bed got cold but not with Cas. Sure, there had been that one time but he thought Cas had understood.

He had thought…

“What is the matter, Dean?” Cas asked, obviously not sure as to how to proceed. The angel looked a weird mixture between confused, concerned and hopeful. Cards on the table then. Dean needed to man up.

“Don’t leave.” he asked, a plea in his voice he didn’t consent to. Cas seemed taken aback but pleased and sat down on the bed again. But Dean wasn’t done.

“Please don’t leave.” he repeated, trying to say without saying that he didn’t just mean for tonight. When Cas looked as if he wanted to chime in, Dean rushed to keep going.

“I need you with me. I’ll always need you with me.” But before he could say what he needed the angel to hear, Cas shushed him and smiled that sad smile of his because he damn well knew how much Dean needed him.

But Dean also knew Cas well enough and he knew the difference between want and need.

Therefore, he gathered every bit of that infamous Winchester-bravery that he had left and said “I _want_ you with me. As long as you want me, angel.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I would love for you to leave kudos and comments or check out my other stories.


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